You think you gonna live forever, but you won't. Someone'll kill ya. Someone'll kill ya with a knife.

As regards Love Bites, I suspect I may have brought the wrong chromosone to this pilot.

Her off Ugly Betty, playing more of a human being.

"Vampires would have a cold penis."

I like how the writer shorthands that this character is supposed to be an asshole by making her a vocal Battlestar Galactica fan.

Her off Eastwick. She likes dildos. Apparantly.

JJ Abrahms' man-wife. Was also in LA Noir.

I honestly cannot think of a single thing that I have seen that starred Jennifer Love Hewitt apart from this right here.

Mh. All's said and done, not a great hour of television, though it started well.

The last story just kind of dragged on forever and dulled the memory of the decent opening.

Seems an okay show.

I can find a block of Phillipine cooking shows but no Liverpool kick off

Tweet-blogging time again as I play catch-up on the stockpile of new shows I have accrued during my downtime:

Come on Franklin and Bash - please do not be shit.

Hmmm...

Someone has seen the Defenders. I wonder if they know it got cancelled after one season.

Although I liked the Defenders. Despite the crippling drawback of having Jerry O'Connell in it.

Defenders had an episode where Jim Belushi defended a bear in court. Big shoes to fill, Franklin and Bash. Big shoes.

Malcolm McDowell! Yay!

This is alright, but I can see these two leads becoming tiresome very quickly.

A Clockwork Orange movie poster is on the wall of the main characters' home? But Malcolm Mc Dowell's in the cast! This is blowing my mind!

McDowell is amusing in this - probably the best thing in it - but I suspect he's given up on his career.

Holy shit, is this a real building or really good CGI?

WHO WOULD MAKE A BUILDING LIKE THIS?

Yeah, that was alright. Some gratuitous tits, but I'm not really offended by those, so I thought this was alright. A decent replacement for the Defenders, but just as fluffy and inconsequential.


I know nothing about Necessary Roughness beyond that it is not based on the movie from the 1990s that was the last thing in which Scott Bakula was appropriately cast.

Fuck, but he was hopeless in Enterprise. Note to Star Trek producers: "affable" is not the same thing as "charismatic".

I recognise this woman as the actress I keep confusing with Marisa Tomei, and there's symmetry for you, as she was a topic of discussion in Franklin and Bash.

Hmmm... not sure I'm fussed about the premise that seems to be rearing its head so far.

"I will cure you - OR ARE YOU CURING ME?"

I'm really not feeling it.

I'm not sure who the audience for this show is supposed to be. Teens? Menopausal women? Sports fans?

It has disparate elements but no focus or agenda. It's everywhere and too predictable. Not sure I'll bother with the second episode.

Ah who am I kidding? I haven't shouted at the telly once, so I'll probably watch the next one, but so far it's not that it's bad as much as it is uninteresting. A criticism that would mean more coming from anywhere but my blog.

WHY? Why is it always the best people... that gotta take time out of their day to see dumbasses get buried?

The Nine Lives of Chloe King answers the oft-posed question: Why didn't that Catwoman movie get its own tv series?

Answer: because it would have been fucking awful.

Basically it's MTV's Teen Wolf but with a girl and not as enjoyable. The girl is played by the actress who played a teenage succubus in axed supernatural drama The Gates - a show about well-known monsters living in a gated community, a concept pretty much ripped off from Monster High. You'd think that being based on a line of children's dolls would be a show's biggest problem, but I'm going to go ahead and suggest that using a fifteen year old actress as part of the eye candy contingent in your show aimed at 25-30 year olds runs a close second - seriously, I have no idea why they thought they needed to go there when Rhona Mitra - who is not what you would call shy - is in the cast. Anyway, that still-teenage actress is in this now, and it's not a step up.

I'd sooner be blog-Tweeting about Teen Wolf, actually. Because that would mean I was watching Teen Wolf instead of this. MTV's Teen Wolf is not perfect by any means, but it is much better than it has any right to be.

Unlike Chloe King. This show is bad, but I do like that they've cast a redhead in the lead role. That's progress for you.

I am pretty sure the list of shows about someone who is secretly a cat people is a lineage of failure.

The Catwoman movie, Dark Angel, Birds of Prey - although in BoP I liked how Huntress would do something athletic and this would mean her cat powers were in action, so she'd kick someone or cartwheel and there'd be this "RREOW!" sound effect like a tiger growling. Oh hey, and all female-centric, I notice. Has there ever been a show about a dude with cat powers apart from Manimal?

I guess tv execs just know better than to try and top Manimal.

Manimal does not show up as a real word in my browser's spell check. FAIL.

Oh dear. We are being shown that she has cat people powers by the actress jumping off a small box onto the ground.

The parkour in this is not as good as that seen in CBBC's MI: High. It actually looks like a Youtube video of someone spoofing parkour videos by being bad at parkour.

SWEET CHRIST IN HEAVEN WHAT AM I WATCHING?

I do not advocate violence against women, so when I say "the girl in this show needs to be punched in the face" I am merely being colourful in how I voice my disdain for the unlikeable character she plays.

The girl in this show needs to be punched in the face.

Well that was certainly an hour long drama in the fantasy genre made by ABC.

It occurs that since she dies in the first episode's opening scene, this show is technically about the EIGHT lives of Chloe King.

I usually like bad television, what's going on here? I'm actually happy that's over.

Don't gimme any of that Doctor Doom jive

Thoughts on XIII: The Series based on the pilot:
Stuart Townsend, of whom I always say that he has never - even by accident - starred in anything that was good, and who was fired from playing the part of Aragorn so he starred in Queen of Darkness instead? Safe to say he does not make good career choices, does Stu, but I'm inclined to give the man the benefit of the doubt as he might be a common factor in many terrible shows, but he's never stood out as being the worst thing about any of them. He could have raped nuns onscreen for two solid hours and still wouldn't have been LXG's biggest problem.

There is some clumsy exposition in this show:
"My sister - the former President of the United States--"
"You're the head of national security and--"
"You're the head of the CIA, George--"

So a 20 something man at the peak of physical health has "a heart attack" while in an empty room and nobody performs an autopsy, yet they can still diagnose death by cardiac arrest?
Interesting approach to logic, XIII: the Series.
I mean, even if they just called it a heart attack on paper, why did they go through the ruse of dosing him with magic heart attack medicine (like what Hannibal Smith got in that A-team film) just to fake a heart attack that no-one is ever going to physically examine him to diagnose?

A telephone media file just infodumps what the writers can't be bothered telling you in organic ways: "and nine months later he was elected president, and this guy has a terminal illness" stuff like that.

Wasn't this guy just shot in the chest with a high-powered rifle? Only he's pretty spritely.

That is not a bullet wound, that is clearly a smear of jam.

"they recruited you to stop a conspiracy that would have taken down the entire government--" Words spoken in this show by an actual human being. No lie.

"This is an Irish Cladh ring" and immediately pipe music starts playing. Classy - reminds me of that episode of Murder She Wrote where a Native American actor appears onscreen so the background music changes to this "om pom-pom-pom, om pom-pom-pom" war drums-type thing, even though the character he was playing wasn't a Native American or anything.

God this actress is one unconvincing martial artist. She's literally just waving her hands in front of the camera at one point.

Well, at least her stunt double is making an effort.

Townsend drawing on his Irish genetic heritage of drunken wife beating to make this scene look convincing, I think - if you look closely at his lips during the fight you can see he's mouthing stuff like "yer a huuuure!" and "Ah gave yeh everythin!"

Always wondered why casting directors don't just cast stunt people instead of using actors with no onscreen presence or charisma. I mean, what have you got to lose by casting a stunt double in place of an actor you already know to be bad? Chuck Norris got his stuntmen buddies parts on Walker: Texas Ranger and it made not a jot of difference to the quality of the show.

Wow but that is some really bad No Sale what would happen if a man hit a woman in the face with a length of metal pipe. (SPOILER ALERT: nothing at all)

I think the lesson here is that you direct for television by turning the camera on and then leaving the set.

I have to admit, if I was sneaking into the Whitehouse, I'd do it by punching a guard right in the guts while he was right in the middle of a conversation with another guard on the radio. I mean, that's just common sense.

"He is the link to an operation so dark no-one in Washington knows its purpose" and that would be why they were questioning him when he was in jail. Sarcasm, of course. They were not questioning him at all, even though we saw the guy jailed for several months (or at least several months in tv montage time).

The episode ends with an angsty voice-over that hasn't appeared until the final moments of the show - nice storytelling consistency, Bruh.

And night vision is represented by Photoshop's Neon Glow filter. Hilarious.



All in all, Stuart seems to have picked another winner, but once again, he's not the show's main problem - that would be how dumb, unengaging and arbitrarily derivative it is. He's actually good in it. Not got huge presence, but he's solid, though he needs to work on keeping his accent in check.