Tuesday 29 September 2009

Because I don't twitter...

"A species much like our own" I know he's using a simile, but humans do not transform into cars - I'm not a doctor, but I'm reasonably sure the science will back me up here. Also, prehistoric man lived in an aftershave commercial, from what I can tell. That or he did a lot of drugs that distorted the perception of time. Or tigers ran a lot slower back then.
Crappy robot designs.
Prime opportunity to do some Beast Wars references.
Chinese news is transmitted in English.
New robots and infodump.
Humans with huge guns tearing up the streets and shouting are not in the spirit of blending in that rests at the core of Transformers as a concept.
Are they really that surprised that a robot is pretending to be a vehicle? Really? They seem surprised.
This isn't an action scene, it's just noise.
Hahahah. Chinese are inscrutable. What a hilarious musical gag.
hahahaha. Blacks.
Lady robots = pink.
Noise. Just noise.
Pwned: LAPD style.
Hahaha. Humans. I hope this plotline goes on for at least an hour and a half of the runtime of this film named after and sold on the premise of being about giant robots hitting each other because I think this plotline is fried gold and super-funny.
She's legal and only playing a teenager so this shot of her is okay.
Him not washing his shirt for two years has become a major plot point.
Dogs humping: gold.
hahaha. Little robots.
Why are all the newly-created robots evil? Is this a comment about the nature of the soul? That's pretty deep.
little tiny evil robots got little tiny evil bullets for their guns.
I hate Bumblebee.
Hahaha. Still humans.
That'll never get old, Bumblebee.
She's only playing a teen, so this is okay.
Oh Shia, you're so funny. You should be in everything.
Zero chemistry. They should have like a song that spells out what this scene is about.
Hahahaha. Blacks. They're naturally violent.
Hahaha. Dead servicemen.
Pfft. It's only Shanghai.
I'm not his biggest fan, but I did enjoy Las Vegas, espacially that one with Jean Claude Van Damme.
Aaron from 24.
Their God is Primus, their devil Unicron. Why do I know this?
They're totally gonna break in there.
College is a parr-tay.
Nerds. Probably relevant later.
Hahahahaha. Internet.
They covered that up? FUCK OFF.
Hahahahaha. "Pure champion stuff." El oh el and colon/upper case d.
She's only playing a teen so it's okay.
Hahahahaha. Mothers.
Ravage! Okay, that is the jam right there.
That was an overcomplicated transformation.
Once again, not blending.
They should make a ZOIDS movie.
Who has college parties like this?
She's only playing a teen, so it's okay.
So is she.
Seriously - she has a high-speed internet connection and she's bored? FAIL.
He's in that show Greek. Playing the same character.
She's only playing a teen.
That's it, octopuses - rape his face.
Alien planet - more of, please.
Oh, I get it - it's Bender's crazy robot friend from that episode where they were locked up in the asylum.
Bad Boys 2 was so awesome. The homophobia was my favorite.
She's only playing a teen in slow motion.
My dad has always told me this about women.
Take that, book-learning!
Car chase: noise.
I suspect that fall isn't actually survivable.
Noise and running.
That backflip should have been like the bit in the animated movie where Optimus rolls out to the strains of 'The Touch', but here it's just nonsensical visual noise you have to squint at.
Some odd visual continuity: how is he there, and how did that guy get there? Where are those two at? Did they all split up? How did they get into Bumblebee? Wasn't he chasing him and not the other way around? How is he bigger than him in this scene when he was smaller in the last scene?
Actually, this bit is quite funny, as the need to composite shots of the human in the foreground for scale means that the directer is forced to make the visuals comprehensible for a change.
This is at least the third time Prime has gone out like a bitch in a feature.
That sounds like the voice of the Precursors from Jak 3.
Hahahaha. Perversion is funny.
Armageddon, Michael? Again?

Hahahaha. Black people and their gold teeth and big lips. They're inherently funny and validate film as art.
Hahaha. And their illiteracy.
Linkin Park. Always a good sign.
Hahaha. Jewish.
Hey, leave her alone! She's only playing a teen!
I used to work in a slaughterhouse - it actually is pretty grim.
Beefcake to balance out the Megan Fox factor. APPROVED.
Considering how that library made out a couple scenes back, I'm betting this museum is gonna do some explodin'.
Actually, it got off light.
Hahahaha. Old Euroscum.
That's it - rape her leg! She clearly enjoys it, like all women.
Hahahaha. Robofarts. Even funnier than the human characters.
The Matrix? Comic continuity!
Blah Blah Blah.
Oh my God: "Starscream in pursuit" - they're captioning the movie like a comic book now.
'Girls' and 'boys'? You people are in your twenties!
Those irreplaceable ruins are so exploded.
This part of the plot hinges on the ethnic characters not getting along. Awesome.
Oh, it's Starscream speaking and not actually captions. That's somehow not as cool.
Where's that old Eurotransformer got to?
Why is it taking so long for anything to happen?
That's so a robot in disguise.
That should be cool, but it's just noise.
All armies but US armies are shit.
Slooooooooooooooooooooooooow mmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooooooooosshhhhuuuuuuunnnnnnn.
And people didn't notice that in there over the last few thousand years?
I know he's survived worse in this very film, but he is dead now. If only this was the end of the first Pokemon movie where tears could revive the dead.
Son. Of a BITCH.
"The power was within you all along."
Optimus Gundam: Schnyder Mode!

They should make a Gundam movie.
Another one, I mean. A good one. Not shite.

Not a good film.